Sexy title huh? I know, right?
Only, sorry, but this isn’t THAT kind of article.
And for the two of you who have continued to read, let me explain.
I’m an empty nest mom. A recent empty-nester at that. In August, my baby left to go about 150 miles away to school. That isn’t too far away and I still get to see him every once in awhile and mostly, he’s been great about sending me a text or calling.
I thought I was adapting well. I thought I had this down. I was figuring out how to cook for two and planning fun date like things my husband and I could do.
And then he left me!
No, not in some horrendous way, but horrible enough.
He got a job across the country. It’s a good, positive thing. Unfortunately though, we’ve just signed a new 18 month lease on our apartment. Money is tight because I’m not quite getting this blog thing right I guess. My Etsy store is stagnant. My writing pay is miniscule. This man I love took this job so we could have a roof and food and so that I could stay home to build my writing career.
The guilt is insurmountable!
I’ve tried to be brave and dedicated. I’ve tried to keep to a steady schedule of writing new articles and working on art pieces and bringing an old business back to life. Why do we think we have to make money or we are somehow lesser humans?
I suppose because there are well meaning people in my life that pretty much say that to me. “Why don’t you just get a part time job?” “I heard so and so is hiring…why don’t you do that?” “Why can’t you work a REAL job? Are you sick?”
These aren’t terrible people that say these things. I know they are saying them with kindness but they just don’t realize the soul crushing effect these words have on me. No. I don’t work outside the house because that work isn’t what I want to do and I work for sucky places with mean, spiteful, hateful people and it is toxic to me. So yes, in a way, I am SICK! I’m sick of being made to feel like I’m inferior to that girl who got first shift over the rest of us just because she…she uhm…she knew how to… she was better at…uhm… I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHY SHE GOT FIRST SHIFT AND none of us did.
Whew…sorry about that. I suppose I got a little sidetracked.
Anyhow. My husband is across the country and I “work from home” for hardly any money. Overall, I am happy. I love writing, even if only 2 of you read it. I love being in my home where I can go at my own pace and not have to suffer the gossip or the rumors or the looks.
But now that it’s just me – well – I’m lonely.
I’m not much of a talker but when you have no other option, it’s too quiet.
I can’t find anyone who has my same love for horror films and late night food runs. And what about the next time my favorite band comes to town?
It hits me just how weird I really am.
The past couple of days have been exceptionally quiet. My husband will text but he has been busy easing into his new job and the new home he rents a room in with several other people. My son has texted me a couple short texts but no calls. I’m feeling a bit sorry for myself I guess. Yesterday was good. I actually did some errands and went to the on-call toxic job I have to do some training that was not available yet. A wasted trip but for a brief moment I did get to chat with a real human being.
Today I laid in the bed for much too long. Eventually though, I did get up and I went and worked out hoping the Endorphins would lift my spirits. No such luck. I made the Shrimp Scampi I got in my Home Chef box. It wasn’t that good. I cleaned the kitchen, walked the dog, watched an episode of Gotham and cried.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just stay in bed and start over on Friday.
Sometimes you just have to embrace the dark moments and hope that the light comes again soon.